Sleepless nights burn with creativity

August 25, 2016

I am still not in a routine yet that I am posting my ideas, thoughts and poems daily. I am trying. You can say that my daily routines have become very chaotic since my Poppa's died. I haven't been able to get things back to track since. But I am trying.

I have been up since 3:00 a.m. this morning. I just couldn't see. Part of me worrying about the Cowboy (relationship issues), the canoe (we might have to sell it) and normal things in life. Since I was up, I started to get a little creative. I got my friendship bracelet kit out and started a bracelet, but I did it wrong, so I gave up. But dug out my para-cord bracelet kit and made me a three strand simple wrap bracelet. It isn't much, but I got an idea to add a piece of wood, like a thick stick which I could collect from the Shawnee National Forest when (and if) I go this year. I thought it would be a lovely way to carry a piece of nature with me always.

I think maybe my creativity is coming back after years of feeling so numb.



August 24, 2016 Poems 

Untitled (Haiku)

The haunted Moon shines,
Shadow silent with the night,
His stories untold.

Written: August 24, 2016

(Daily Instagram haiku that I write. I was inspired by the moon and how it sees us all the time, and the things it might tell if he could speak.)


August 25, 2016 Poems

Untitled (Haiku)

In the jumble words,
Spoken, written and thought,
Hope emerges.

Written: August 25, 2016

( Daily Instagram Haiku. This was inspired by blackout poetry. I was trying my hand at blackout poetry. I cringe at the thought of destroying a book, so I downloaded a paint app on my phone and took a photo of a page in book and blacked it out. I became a bit creative that I added some color, two words and even a sticker. I hope to get better at it.)


Untitled (Blackout poetry)

Come with me,
See,
Just a little bit,
See my love.

Written: August 25, 2016

(This is my blackout poetry I did from photograph of a book page and blotted the words out. I can't deal with destroying a book for the sake of art and poetry. It is my first blackout poem. It isn't the best, but I hope to improve with time.)


*Photograph taken on August 24, 2015. A little caterpillar that I found in my driveway and rescued. I put him in a nearby tree. He tickled my finger when he crawled on it.

My Forgotten Blooms

August 23, 2016


Hello. I haven't used my blog in years, as I became too busy to take time to post ideas, projects and other things going on in my life. But I have decided to try to revive this blog in order to keep track of my daily thoughts and poems that I write. I am sure at this time after all these years I have thousands of poems, which are in various places: written on pieces of paper, written online, saved on my phone, etc. Mostly if I only write one poem, it usually is a haiku, as it was a type of self therapy for my depression.

So I am starting a new blog leaf today and posting what I have here. I  might post some old poems as they are my forgotten blooms that I have not shared with people. I posted a photograph that I took while on a canoe trip with the Cowboy on July 16, 2016. While on the calm waters, we were surrounded by what looked like hundreds of lily pads with these gorgeous yellow lotus looking blooms. They are much like my own life blooms, now which I will try to share.


Well, so far, I have written these today:




August 23, 2016 Poems   (Will be updated as I write them)


1. Untitled

Buy, Sell or Trade,
Redefining one's future,
Body, mind and soul.

Written: August 23, 2016

(NOTE: Inspired by words that I saw while running my errands at the office. I thought it would be interesting if I could used the words I saw and try to fashion them into a haiku.)



2. Untitled

Wit, nightly, newly,
Shedding all that is broken,
To release power.

Written: August 23, 2016

(NOTE: It is my way of expressing how light, mainly sunlight affects my mood and uplifts me, especially when after the death of my Poppa, I am trying very hard to find a new normal in my life.)

3. Untitled

Rabid symbols in pale light,

We dream of fame, love and inspiration,

Whirls within the dreamscape,

Yet we converse with desirous images

Capturing fragments of a puzzle,

Only for them to change with a flash,

Unhinged from a harsh reality,

As vaporous snakes clinging tight,

To where the light comes from,

Binding eyes, blurring edges

We want more, yearning for completion,

Becoming refugees of loneliness,

Seeking the unknown life,

full of broken and unformed promises,

As the screen goes black.

Written: August 23, 2016

(NOTE: Inspired on how we use our phones and computers to connect to dreams, ideas and people all over the world, yet becoming unaware of all the things that we are missing. How by holding my phone, I become entrapped by the beast, which has me desiring more from my phone then from what I see beyond it. )

4. Untitled 

In Oceans of light,

Golden Sunbeams sway for me,

Reaffirmations

Written: August 23, 2016

(My daily Instagram haiku. I thought it reflected how light, mostly sunlight gives me hopefulness in my life when I am so uncertain about things.)

Confusion

 

My thoughts wander and linger,

All broken and bleeding,
Peace is hard like marble,
Vast and unforgiving.

I remember, feeling,

perched at the window awake,
The desire of life, seeping,
Feeling the dream withing shake.

Shadows dance in the light,

Melting like wax,
On my bare skin, cooling white,
filling in all the lost cracks,
As it stops the symphony of time.

Written July 15, 2013

Hope of the Heart

Hope of the Heart

I sit beside you,

Hope is between us
My heart soars in the moment
You hold my hand, briefly
“I missed you” tumbles from your lips
My soul warm with want
Joyful with this gift of time.
I do not trust to tell you,
yet my eyes smile and silently say
“ I love you still”


Written July 5, 2013

Untitled

Untitled

Fingers linger,
touching, forever remembering
drinking in the joy,
unbound, unfettered and free
as I lay in your arms

With closed eyes, I pray
Seeing the light of a feeling,
Dancing and moving within me,
As I feel your heartbeat
calling to my soul.

In the shadows, the morning rises,
As I try to hold you close
My fingers releasing,
what my heart and soul will not
My voice whispering without crying
“I love you”

 

Written August 30, 2007

Untitled

Untitled


The Gentle cadence of your voice, moves my heart,

The beating rythm you can't hear,
It hides the smile when you are near,
Beating " I love you".

Written June 14, 2013

Untitled

Untitled

Climb between the heart and the mind,
Hear the rustle of the soul,
As hidden treasure are mined,
Radiance blooms from a deep hole.
A life whispers " I am me."


Written June 13, 2013

Untitled

Untitled

Perchance thy give thee measure,
Alas only to find thy torment in my soul,
Wicked question speak perilously,
bestowing dreams like a wreched ghost,
Woe, for I find them loathsome,
For they are more vile and foul to me,
It is thy poison yet sweet that shall decieve,
Naught know what fortune it shall bring,
Melancholy, merriment, or vehemence?
Wherefore, I beseech mercy upon this moral

 

Written March 8, 2009

Garden of the Soul

I desire. . .

Breathe in sanctuary,
walk among the wild stones,
be free from any adversary,
No hidden closet full of bones.


I seek. . .

Gentle grass blanketing green,
The quiet sky blossoming blue,
Life that wipes everything clean,
A spirit alive, wild and renewed.

I want. . .

The music of my heart to play,
The light of my soul to glow,
To be a hunter, instead of prey,
And stop dying within, and  grow.

I wish. . .


Written June 12, 2013

Motivation

June 11, 2013

It isn't easy when a person has no motivation to move forward. It is even harder when a person have no motivation to use the talents that he or she has. My heart hasn't been very motivated. I have been motivated to start the 30 day Squat challenge. Currently I am on day 7 and I did 80 squats. Boy, did I feel the burn this morning! I wrote a poem as well. It is a nice first after so many months. So I have been inspired and motivated a little bit. Sometimes a bit of motivation can be creepy. Really creepy. It is a weird little story, I might work into one of my novels. Maybe.

Anyway, Friday I came home from watching a movie. I watched “Now you see me” which was very, very inspiring. I loved it. I can't wait for it to come on DVD now. Well, I came home with a huge box on my deck. It was addressed to Emma, and from Ami. I spent an hour or so trying to find out where the box was suppose to go to. One neighbor suggested that I call the sheriff, but her daughter suggested that I put it in the trunk of my car, and wait for the Ami person to come and pick it up once she realized that it was in the wrong space. So that is what I did. And it wasn't until late at night, when I was half asleep, that my mind floated to one of my unfinished novels. My mind wanders like that. The Enchanted Key. I had a major character of about 14 years old named Emma. Actually it was Emmeretta, but she doesn't like her full name, so she goes by Emma. Then I remembered that Emma called her Grandmother “Ami”. A special thing is that Emma had an Ami and an Adda instead of a Grandmother and a Grandfather. So, I laid in bed, wondering. I knew that I had shared a tidbit of the Enchanted Key with only one person over a month ago. It was a Christian friend I had met over a month ago. And he didn't know where I lived. Creepy. He had been pestering me for a date, but my heart wasn't in it. I still want the Cowboy. I was happy with just having a friend. Anyway, I went to sleep thinking about it.

Here comes the creepy part.

When I woke up, I had 5 messages from Christian guy on my phone. And one of them was a quote from my own novel. So it wasn't Amy with an “I” but from Ami (pronounced Ahmi). I asked him if he knew where I lived. He didn't answer that. I asked him if he knew about the box that I had received yesterday. Of course, I never mentioned it to him, because I didn't think it was his business. He asked me if the item in the box was anything close to what I wrote about. I had wrote about a horse lamp on Ami's dresser. I told him I didn't open the box, because it wasn't for me. I thought it was for a person named Emma.

Creepy, because I never gave him my address. I found out that he took upon himself to look my address online with the information he DID have about me. Beyond creepy. SCARY. Anyway, I did go out to my trunk Saturday morning and looked in the box. It was an antique brass horse lamp with a clock and a lamp. He definitely took the time to think about this. And GET a horse lamp. Chills. It wasn't what I wrote about, because the brass horse lamp that I wrote about now sits on my Uncle's desk. It was some award he received as a child. I yelled at him so many times regarding violating my privacy and trust. I don't think it registered much. He didn't seem to understand why I was so upset. He only wanted to make me smile. GAH! He total creeped me out! I told him to ask his pastor, his sister and his friends if his actions were nothing but creepy.

So this antique brass horse lamp sits idly in the trunk of my car and has sucked out any motivation that I had on working on that novel for a while. A long while. I haven't spoke to him. I sent him a long email about how wrong he was. I don't know if he will see it as wrong. Funny thing, is that he just sent me a email, to tell me that his phone is dead. It got run over. I wonder if it is Karma at work. Ha ha ha. I told my neighbor on Saturday who the box was for. It was awkward to say “It was for me.” I had to explain about Emma and Ami. Her daughter asked me if I had published any of my novels. Sheepishly, I said “No”. Then came the big question. “Why not?” I told them truth. I really love to write for myself. I don't know if I am really that good that someone would want to read what I wrote. I wish I was good. I can't write like George R.R. Martin, or J.R.R. Tolkien or J. K. Rowling. Sigh, I can only wish.

Anyway, I am not very motivated on working on my novels. And a person can see why. I am still very much creeped out by the turn of events. He might have wanted to make me smile and motivated me, but he could have went about it a different way. So, I didn't get much done concerning my novels. I was freaking out about Christian guy's actions and the Cowboy's request for next weekend. So I read most of my weekend away. Hey, I finished A Feast of Crows by George R. R. Martin in 12 days. All 1060 worth. It was good! I need to buy the next one, so I can start it.

So, I am going to try by Wednesday to finish up the summaries, outlines, scene cards and characters for:

Vacant Bodies

Flight of Gaea
Rove of he Titans
Alpha Centauri one (working title)
Alpha Centauri two (working title)
Alpha Centauri three (working title)
Splintered Righteousness
Broken Illusions
Whispers of Truth
Lost Willow
Whispering Birch
Flowering Hawthorn
Lonesome Pine
Heart Scars (working title)


Well, at least all the summaries (at least 6 out of the 14 are done) and work out of the characters as much as I can. That is my current goal at least for these 14 novels. Especially Vacant Bodies, as I am going to write that one for Camp NaNoWriMo July. All great achievements take small steps and take time. So I have to motivate myself in small ways. Hey, maybe I will write another poem today.

See? Small steps toward a bigger goal.

 

Motivation can be found in little things. And it can also shut it down as well.

 

 

Inhale. . . and relax.

Morning

Morning

My morning coffee breaks the day,
melting the night, chasing it away.
The secret of the universe opens slow,
as the sun shines and begins to glow.
The dance of Hope begins anew.

Brilliant joy twists like glass
Exploring the sky, clouds as they pass,
Peace kisses my face, I grin,
Only my heart knows where I've been.
I drink deep of the dark cup.

The long haunt of the night is gone,
My demons recede with the dawn,
I breathe in, healing my naked soul,
Another day, thriving to close the hole.
A tendril of Hope creeps forth.

Written June 11, 2013

Inspiration

June 7, 2013

Leaves blowing in the wind. The sound of a truck going by. The rugged sidewalk outside a Courthouse. All beautiful things to me. Sounds, sights and smells all hold inspiration. For me it does. Memories do as well. Yesterday, I got an idea for my 44^th novel idea. I wrote some it down, as it was still kind of patchy. It was based on some memories I have with my best friend. I haven't spoke to her in over two years. She had an issue with me, and couldn't come to me about it. So we stopped talking. I think about her a lot. We have been friends for over 26 years and she has always been the odd opposite of me.

Anyway, I spend some down time last night between reading books, working out ideas for the tree novels. I spent a lot of time looking at Google Images, just triggering ideas and inspiration so I had something to brainstorm with. It isn't always easy trying to come up with a believable plot for a novel. Sometimes, I just have to write and allow it to fall together by itself. I just know that I have to get some of these ideas out of my head. They march around like little sailors wanting to go on shore leave. So many ideas.

It hurts sometimes to have so many ideas in my head. It sucks up all concentration and focus on other things I need to be doing. Like sitting at a stop light thinking about a battle scene. The car behind me is honking. Yep, I didn't notice it was green, because I was dreaming in a moment in time. So I have to make time to get things out, so I have more brain space and focus. I know it sounds so alien, but it works for me.

My stories need to be told. Well, more like demand to be told. Brian space, remember? Poems are not as bad as novels. They take up less space in my head.

I have thought about writing poetry again. I was reading some of my poems today. That is a bit inspiring for me. I always have something to write about. I haven't done much of it over the months. I wrote a really nice heartfelt one in January after the Cowboy dumped me, again. Writing again would mean, always have a little notebook or something to jot things down. Which can be very annoying a times, because poems don't come to me just when I am sitting down. I can't retain a poem in my head for long. I have tried, trust me. I don't know how many I have lost, because I don't have that stupid piece a paper to write it on. So most of the time, I just let them flow out and into nothingness. Forgotten because I had no paper. Somewhat tragic. Just maybe I will write some poetry in the near future.

I will be filling my weekend with lots of inspiration and ideas. If I am lucky and I don't get more depressed about the Cowboy. It is sad he has so much control over my heart. I hope to finish the one sentence summaries for the newest 4 novel ideas. The Just Trilogy already has the summaries down and the start of the characters. The tree novels and the newest novel idea, do not. Ugh, I hate writing when it seems more like work then fun. So I will be working on summaries, outlines, scene cards and characters this week. What fun. Yay! NOT. I hope to have that at least started. I need to write at least 2,000 today on any novel, so I can get prepped for Camp NaNoWriMo in July. It is better to start the daily count now, so it won't be so hard to reach that word count in July. Ugh!

So, I will just have to see how inspired I am. As inspiration is my motivator. At least it was in the past. Heartbreak is a horrible inspiration as well as motivator. This one is kind of killing me slowly. And I am struggling with both right now. Badly. I need inspiration. I need to focus on telling my story. No matter how horrible the tale might be.

At least it is something. Better then nothing.

Maybe. . .

Twisted Curve

Twisted Curve

        

Swerving, to avoid the hit,
Gripping, what still lies within
Fingers crushing, the feeling there
Daring not to let go
Afraid that it might leave

A heart racing in the dark
Sharp, piercing, cold on my skin
Burning, to the unknown
Gripping with faith, that it is true
Holding steadfast
To something that is not really there.

Screaming out into the void
Sliding, feeling things lose control
A deep breath, a twist within soul
Starting blinding into the night
As tears leak into the hole
where my heart once was.

(Wrote in October 27, 2009, It is fitting on how I feel at times, right now regarding the Cowboy.)

Ideas

June 6, 2013

“When all is said and done, more is said than done.” ~Lou Holtz

More is in my head, then it is out of my head. It is working it self out, slowly. And when it comes to completing my artistic goals, I am majorly failing. Big time. The only major thing I have done with it comes to creating something has been that I wrote 51,737 words on Vacant Struggle in April for Camp NaNoWriMo. I had too. I have never failed making a goal since 2007 and I am not going to start now. And the Next Camp Nano is coming up starting July 1^st.

I guess the point is: Am I committed enough to write 50,000 words for July? I haven't failed at achieving it yet, but April was hard. I didn't want to write at all. I only wrote because I remembered how much the Cowboy enjoyed my idea of a zombie novel. Sigh, the Cowboy.  So in all honesty, my inspiration was a man that doesn't want anything to do with me. Lovely, isn't it?

My mind has been all over the place lately. Mostly about the Cowboy and my Poppa. In the month of May I roughed out 3 new novels and laid the ground work for 3 others in the trilogy. So a total for 6 new ideas for novels in the month of May. That as well as trying to write a little bit on the others that are just kind of hanging fire. I have 43 novels started now.  That is at least something. Right? I just added a new trilogy: Splintered Righteousness, Broken Illusions and Whispers of Truth to the bunch. I am thinking about calling it The Just Trilogy.  I might change it, as it just doesn't sit right in my mind. It is just a working Title for the trilogy.  I worked out the summaries, and started the characters. And then Boom! I got 4 new ideas. So I have the following now:  Lost Willow, Whispering Birch, Flowering Hawthorn and the Lonesome Pine. I am still working out particulars on those four. But the ideas are coming. I am just writing them down, so I can get back to them when I have more time to work on them.

Well, that is 7 in just two days! Please someone shut my mind off. I don't have time for all this. In 30 days I have come up with 13 different novels. Good thing I started keeping a novel list, allow with a character list for each novel I am working on. It is hard to keep track of all of them.

So NOW I have to decide which novel I am going to work on for Camp NaNoWriMo July. I probably will go with Vacant Bodies, which continue my trilogy about Zombies. I have even been crocheting a zombie. It will have a zipper head, so brains can be taken out. It is really cool. It is to help me be motivated and inspired. Well, I haven't been working on it. I started it last year, but after the Cowboy jerked my heart around, I stopped working on it. I have to be happy when I crochet or knit. I can't create something full of sadness. Anyway, I am thinking about working on two novels in July. I don't know if I am up to it, but I need to push myself. 50,000 words is the goal, which is only 1,667 per day. That is pretty simple for me. I can do that in usually within two hours. So I could double that to 3,334 per day. One for each novel. I will have to really think about it. It might be too much for me. It would be easier if my laptop hadn't died in March. It was old. GAH! I need a laptop, this would be so much easier to work 43 novels on it then a bulky desk top computer.

Anyway, I have another idea for a novel. It just popped in my head. Save me from myself! The mind is a terrible thing to waste, but it also is a terrible thing when it is out of control as well. I need an off switch. Really.

Sigh. . .

My crochet adventures

October 12, 2010

My life have been like a roller coaster lately. A lot of unexpected things, that make me want to cry, along with alot of happy things that ignite my creative flame in my soul.

I have once again picked up my Canna Blanket and started working on it. Sunday October 10, 2010 I bought three new skeins of yarn (Red Heart Carrot Orange, Gold and varigated Sandy Print) to continue working on it. I want to crochet 4 rows a day until it is finished. I have it planned that I will have it finished before Christmas Eve 2010, so I can have it with me before the Journey anniversary of Canna's passing. Sadly I had to put him to sleep the day after Christmas, so I want to have the lovely thick Canna colored blanket with me before that date.

I have been trying to figure out what type of stitch that I want to use when I start my Mekong blanket. I really want to start one before she passes on. She is only 6 years old, but I don't want just assume that she will live as long as Canna did (14 years). I really love her so I think I have decided on Basket Weave stitch or a Closed Scallops stitch. I will have to see which looks better with 3 strands of yarn.

I haven't decided which colors to use for Mekong's blanket. Since she is a ragdoll, I know that I want to use brown (Red Heart Coffee) and a varigated Sandy print by Red heart, which I have used in my Canna Blanket. I have to decide on a varigated brown with white or something else for the last strand of yarn. It isn't as easy as it looks, since she is a mixture of shades of brown and off whites. I just know that I want to get the feel of color of her fur in the blanket.

I haven't crochet any new newborn preemie crochet hats for Save the Children.org. My goal was to crochet 3 hats a month. I started the goal in September and I have currently 5 completed hats minus the little red felt heart that I want to sew on each one. I haven't gotten around to sewing the little hearts on yet. Honestly, I haven't even cut out any felt hearts out yet. I have to decide on the correct size before I start cutting into the red felt haphazardly. I plan on doing that sometime this week.

I have been trying to figure out what I can do with all the skeins of yarn I have laying around but not being put into good use. I just found the perfect way to use it all up. I am going to start a Babette Blanket. It is like a granny square blanket, but it is put together kind of willy-nilly like a sewn crazy quilt. Talking about granny squares, I really need to start on finishing the one that I started years ago. I just dug out all my squares a month or so ago, when I was out at my storage unit. I had come across them while looking for something else, and decided to grab them all and bring them home. Unfortunately, now they are all sitting in my living room in my red overnight duffle bag, awaiting for me to pick them up again. Another project to get into this week at sometime. It looks like I will have to map out my weekly routine for my on-going projects.

I just got back from visiting my brother in Pataskala on Saturday. It was lovely visiting him after all this years. He brought out his photo album and we talked about all the wonderful memories we had together. He also brought out his Mr. Spock doll and his embroidered blanket he had since he was very young. It reminded me of his Scotty dog pillow he once had. I asked him about it and he said that our dog, Gottlieb, chewed it up one day. Since that day on Saturday, I have been thinking about re-creating the Scotty Dog pillow with Granny Squares. The original one was just quilted blocks so making it out of Granny squares should not be hard. LOL. Maybe I will surprise my brother, Chris Ray, with a re-make of it.

Well, I am off to go work on my crochet projects. I will try to write more about them tomorrow.

A loss is always hard to deal with

I can't say that I have felt like doing much of anything lately, since the death of my cousin, Britta. It has been a little over a week since I found out and the mind still doesn't wrap my mind around it. I guess that is because she was murdered by her live-in boyfriend.

Brutal, yet hard to deal with. Words are few, while emotions are like a flood.

Not necessary the best thing to talk about for my first post of my personal blog, but I couldn't think of a better one to start with. Britta was a wonderful and sweet person. Today is a her funeral, which I am unable to attend. I should be there, but work prevented me from being able to do that. I will be there in heart. I think it is harder for me that I am not able to be there. No closure.

I spoke with my mother last night about what my Aunt chose as the music for it. Music means alot to me so I wanted to know what she chose. My Aunt Carole and I are close in many ways then one. We have a connection because of our love for Jesus. She is a very devout Catholic as I was when I was Catholic. Now I am a very devout follower of Christ.

When I was 16 years old I babysat Britta all summer while my Aunt worked. It was my first actual job in which I got paid regularly. Funny thing is I still have the savings accout that I opened that year. I was saving for a refurbished 3 Disc CD player. It was a $150.00 and saving for that was a big thing for me. For me and my love for music.

I remember even at 16, I could see the potential in Britta, and honestly I envied it. She was very loved by her parents and they made sure she got everything she wanted. I remember staying in her room with her during my stay. She had her own bunkbed, which I slept in. She had about any curious toy known to man that she desired. She had a typewriter, which I loved and spend almost my whole summer using it! LOL It was the writer in me.

I remember her joyous, and sweet personality. I remember her sandy blonde long hair that I loved. She was beautiful and I knew even then when she got older, she was going to be gorgeous. I sadly envied her, because she had everything in front of her. I could see that she had the world at her feet. I like to hope I interested her in a couple things as she interested me in a couple things.

We both loved Hockey and she was on a mixed gender hockey team still and I really envied that!

I remember watching her skate across the ice, her blonde hair peeking out under her helmet, as she darted for the puck.

Sigh. I miss her. Now I have only memories of the person that was.

She was such a sweet and loving person.

Sigh,

So I found out yesterday that my Aunt chose Ave Maria, which has always been my favorite. I listen to it all year long, not only at Christmas time. Even though I am not Catholic anymore, it is the song, in Latin that moves me. It is beautiful.

Ave Maria

Gratia plenaDominus tecum

Benedicta tu in mulieribus

Et benedictus fructus ventris

Tui, Jesus

Sancta Maria

Mater Dei

Ora pro nobis peccatoribus

Nunc et in hora mortis nostrae

Amen.

My Aunt Carole also chose the song from Toy Story 2 "When she loved me". When my mother told me that last night I almost cried because I love that song and it always touches me when I watch the movie.

When She Loved Me Lyrics - Sarah McLachlan

When somebody loved me,

Everything was beautiful

Every hour we spent together lives within my heart

And when she was sad,I was there to dry her tears

And when she was happy,

So was I

When she loved me

Through the summer and the fall

We had each other, that was all

Just she and I together,

Like it was meant to be

And when she was lonely,

I was there to comfort her

And I knew that she loved me

So the years went by

I stayed the same

But she began to drift away

I was left alone

Still I waited for the day

When she'd say I will always love you

Lonely and forgotten,

I'd never thought she'd look my way

And she smiled at me and held me just like she used to do

Like she loved me

When she loved me

When somebody loved me

Everything was beautiful

Every hour we spent together lives within my heart

When she loved me

The words that hit me the hardest are "I was left alone Still I waited for the day When she'd say I will always love you" I feel that way about those that I love. My mother told me that the church got upset with my Aunt for choosing that song, since it wasn't relgious. My Aunt stood her ground. It is sad that things are falling into so much legalism that they are failing to see the main point of things. Jesus spoke about this. Legalism. He warned us about Pharisees and how not to be that way. It is just sad. We lost my cousin and they are worried and upset about a secular song, which comforts a greiving family.

I know from talking to my mother and my Aunt that Britta was trying to get rid of Brendan, because she wanted to work things out with Aarron, the father of her lovely 3 year old daughter, Paris Brendan was living with her, and as my Aunt told me last week. "She didn't want to sin anymore" Britta wanted to wait for Aarron because she wanted to be married and still loved him. Last week I spoke to Paris on the phone. My heart broke hearing her little happy voice. Telling me how she took a bath in a turtle sandbox, that my mother converted in a pool/tub to wash her.

This is hard for me. Because I love so deeply, and even in my life, just on Wednesday found out that my exboyfriend is moving back to Ohio. When we parted, it wasn't because we didn't love each other. We just couldn't connect, with me working 2 jobs, and him one while raising his son being a single parent. And when we parted, it broke my heart. I loved him and I knew it just wasn't working out, and it broke my heart anyways. I haven't seen in a year, yet I prayed for him almost every night, asking God to watch over him and help him in all he does.

In times of great weakness, of my heart. I would tell him I still loved him very much.

We keep in contact and we talked about me visiting in Texas and moving, and it times of weakness of fear, I would back up. Afraid to getting hurt. Of grasping onto who I loved, only to be abandoned later on. So I would back up and cancel my visit. Embarassingly, many times with much frustration from him.

I would cry at night asking God to help me with this. If it was His will, to help me go to him. I never asked for him to come to me because I knew Phil wouldn't because Ohio holds nothing for him and does not desire to live in the State. He only came back to help his very ill father and his elderly mother. After his father died, he promised to stay only so long and he did. I knew of this promise. So I didn't ask for God to send Phil back to Ohio, to me.

Yet, as I write. Phil is coming back to Ohio. To me and to visit his youngest son. He wants to get his life together and in a couple months hopeful move to Florida. So we are going to see if we can work things out. Find out if we can have the relationship we never had a chance to really have due to time and distance. And if it works out. I will be moving to Florida with him, where most of my family lives.

So I am choked up about Britta because this is what Britta wanted. Something I will now have a chance to have myself. Each step I make regarding this makes me think of Britta, because now I a chance she never did get to have.

Praying that it is in God's will for me and Phil. Mostly I am praying that I follow God's will and that I am able to see it clearly and not just blind due to my heart.

Trying to live my life more for God. I came across a quote I forgotten that I love. It helps me focus on what is right.

"If you have a talent, use it in every which way possible. Don’t hoard it. Don’t dole it out like a miser. Spend it lavishly like a millionaire intent on going broke." ~Brendan Francis

I hope I always live that way. And while I live, remember Britta and live her life for her. A life she never had.

I wrote this poem last week. Actually last Saturday. I was moved to write it and soon after I spoke to my mother, then to Paris and then my Aunt Carole. I was moved to share the poem with my Aunt Carole. It was awkward, but I shared it. She said it was the most beautiful thing she had ever heard. I told me that I felt that Britta would have wanted us to remember her and live life, as she was not able to. To not give up hope, but to always have hope.

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The night sky bleeds

As the questions of why linger

The glass of reality shatters

A haunting fire embraces all

devouring today

leaving a death that pierced yesterday

Laying awake

listening to Peace as it sadly speaks

Knowing a lonely daughter cries

A laughter cut short

Robbed of the breath

As morning rises with light and death

unprejudiced

A young woman whispers

As the liquid of time moves toward eternity

The marble of the truth speaks
She whispers“Will you remember me? Remember me and live”

Dedicated to my wonderful cousin, Britta Malette. June 27, 1983-July 2009 You will never be forgotten, and we will live our lives with you in it.

I will always miss you, Britta. Thank you for being such a strong individual stream of life in my world. It is all those streams that connect that makes my life such a strong torrent river.

God bless