I can't say that I have felt like doing much of anything lately, since the death of my cousin, Britta. It has been a little over a week since I found out and the mind still doesn't wrap my mind around it. I guess that is because she was murdered by her live-in boyfriend.
Brutal, yet hard to deal with. Words are few, while emotions are like a flood.
Not necessary the best thing to talk about for my first post of my personal blog, but I couldn't think of a better one to start with. Britta was a wonderful and sweet person. Today is a her funeral, which I am unable to attend. I should be there, but work prevented me from being able to do that. I will be there in heart. I think it is harder for me that I am not able to be there. No closure.
I spoke with my mother last night about what my Aunt chose as the music for it. Music means alot to me so I wanted to know what she chose. My Aunt Carole and I are close in many ways then one. We have a connection because of our love for Jesus. She is a very devout Catholic as I was when I was Catholic. Now I am a very devout follower of Christ.
When I was 16 years old I babysat Britta all summer while my Aunt worked. It was my first actual job in which I got paid regularly. Funny thing is I still have the savings accout that I opened that year. I was saving for a refurbished 3 Disc CD player. It was a $150.00 and saving for that was a big thing for me. For me and my love for music.
I remember even at 16, I could see the potential in Britta, and honestly I envied it. She was very loved by her parents and they made sure she got everything she wanted. I remember staying in her room with her during my stay. She had her own bunkbed, which I slept in. She had about any curious toy known to man that she desired. She had a typewriter, which I loved and spend almost my whole summer using it! LOL It was the writer in me.
I remember her joyous, and sweet personality. I remember her sandy blonde long hair that I loved. She was beautiful and I knew even then when she got older, she was going to be gorgeous. I sadly envied her, because she had everything in front of her. I could see that she had the world at her feet. I like to hope I interested her in a couple things as she interested me in a couple things.
We both loved Hockey and she was on a mixed gender hockey team still and I really envied that!
I remember watching her skate across the ice, her blonde hair peeking out under her helmet, as she darted for the puck.
Sigh. I miss her. Now I have only memories of the person that was.
She was such a sweet and loving person.
Sigh,
So I found out yesterday that my Aunt chose Ave Maria, which has always been my favorite. I listen to it all year long, not only at Christmas time. Even though I am not Catholic anymore, it is the song, in Latin that moves me. It is beautiful.
Ave Maria
Gratia plenaDominus tecum
Benedicta tu in mulieribus
Et benedictus fructus ventris
Tui, Jesus
Sancta Maria
Mater Dei
Ora pro nobis peccatoribus
Nunc et in hora mortis nostrae
Amen.
My Aunt Carole also chose the song from Toy Story 2 "When she loved me". When my mother told me that last night I almost cried because I love that song and it always touches me when I watch the movie.
When She Loved Me Lyrics - Sarah McLachlan
When somebody loved me,
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart
And when she was sad,I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy,
So was I
When she loved me
Through the summer and the fall
We had each other, that was all
Just she and I together,
Like it was meant to be
And when she was lonely,
I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me
So the years went by
I stayed the same
But she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she'd say I will always love you
Lonely and forgotten,
I'd never thought she'd look my way
And she smiled at me and held me just like she used to do
Like she loved me
When she loved me
When somebody loved me
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart
When she loved me
The words that hit me the hardest are "I was left alone Still I waited for the day When she'd say I will always love you" I feel that way about those that I love. My mother told me that the church got upset with my Aunt for choosing that song, since it wasn't relgious. My Aunt stood her ground. It is sad that things are falling into so much legalism that they are failing to see the main point of things. Jesus spoke about this. Legalism. He warned us about Pharisees and how not to be that way. It is just sad. We lost my cousin and they are worried and upset about a secular song, which comforts a greiving family.
I know from talking to my mother and my Aunt that Britta was trying to get rid of Brendan, because she wanted to work things out with Aarron, the father of her lovely 3 year old daughter, Paris Brendan was living with her, and as my Aunt told me last week. "She didn't want to sin anymore" Britta wanted to wait for Aarron because she wanted to be married and still loved him. Last week I spoke to Paris on the phone. My heart broke hearing her little happy voice. Telling me how she took a bath in a turtle sandbox, that my mother converted in a pool/tub to wash her.
This is hard for me. Because I love so deeply, and even in my life, just on Wednesday found out that my exboyfriend is moving back to Ohio. When we parted, it wasn't because we didn't love each other. We just couldn't connect, with me working 2 jobs, and him one while raising his son being a single parent. And when we parted, it broke my heart. I loved him and I knew it just wasn't working out, and it broke my heart anyways. I haven't seen in a year, yet I prayed for him almost every night, asking God to watch over him and help him in all he does.
In times of great weakness, of my heart. I would tell him I still loved him very much.
We keep in contact and we talked about me visiting in Texas and moving, and it times of weakness of fear, I would back up. Afraid to getting hurt. Of grasping onto who I loved, only to be abandoned later on. So I would back up and cancel my visit. Embarassingly, many times with much frustration from him.
I would cry at night asking God to help me with this. If it was His will, to help me go to him. I never asked for him to come to me because I knew Phil wouldn't because Ohio holds nothing for him and does not desire to live in the State. He only came back to help his very ill father and his elderly mother. After his father died, he promised to stay only so long and he did. I knew of this promise. So I didn't ask for God to send Phil back to Ohio, to me.
Yet, as I write. Phil is coming back to Ohio. To me and to visit his youngest son. He wants to get his life together and in a couple months hopeful move to Florida. So we are going to see if we can work things out. Find out if we can have the relationship we never had a chance to really have due to time and distance. And if it works out. I will be moving to Florida with him, where most of my family lives.
So I am choked up about Britta because this is what Britta wanted. Something I will now have a chance to have myself. Each step I make regarding this makes me think of Britta, because now I a chance she never did get to have.
Praying that it is in God's will for me and Phil. Mostly I am praying that I follow God's will and that I am able to see it clearly and not just blind due to my heart.
Trying to live my life more for God. I came across a quote I forgotten that I love. It helps me focus on what is right.
"If you have a talent, use it in every which way possible. Don’t hoard it. Don’t dole it out like a miser. Spend it lavishly like a millionaire intent on going broke." ~Brendan Francis
I hope I always live that way. And while I live, remember Britta and live her life for her. A life she never had.
I wrote this poem last week. Actually last Saturday. I was moved to write it and soon after I spoke to my mother, then to Paris and then my Aunt Carole. I was moved to share the poem with my Aunt Carole. It was awkward, but I shared it. She said it was the most beautiful thing she had ever heard. I told me that I felt that Britta would have wanted us to remember her and live life, as she was not able to. To not give up hope, but to always have hope.
Untitled
The night sky bleeds
As the questions of why linger
The glass of reality shatters
A haunting fire embraces all
devouring today
leaving a death that pierced yesterday
Laying awake
listening to Peace as it sadly speaks
Knowing a lonely daughter cries
A laughter cut short
Robbed of the breath
As morning rises with light and death
unprejudiced
A young woman whispers
As the liquid of time moves toward eternity
The marble of the truth speaks
She whispers“Will you remember me? Remember me and live”
She whispers“Will you remember me? Remember me and live”
Dedicated to my wonderful cousin, Britta Malette. June 27, 1983-July 2009 You will never be forgotten, and we will live our lives with you in it.
I will always miss you, Britta. Thank you for being such a strong individual stream of life in my world. It is all those streams that connect that makes my life such a strong torrent river.
God bless
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